An Experiment of My Own

In 2003,1 decided to analyze a year's worth of my own drawings and accompanying journal entries, drawing upon the "Milnerian technique" of using doodling or spontaneous drawing to recover one's inner or creative unconscious. First I will say a few words about the process. I made the drawings twice a week (6/15/2002 - 6/15/2003), on specified days. They generally began quite abstractly, with a circle or a few lines. My intention was to "doodle," not to draw a picture. Since I used crayons, I chose colors that expressed my mood. When the drawing "felt" finished, I gave it a title. I also wrote in my journal on the same specified days. At first I did not refer to the drawings, but after several months I began to write about associations between my titles and concurrent personal events and moods.

Quite soon I noticed that the drawings assisted me in my journaling. They served to "jumpstart" my writing, especially the titles. Previous to this experiment I was not accustomed to keeping a journal, so making drawings on specified days established a routine. I also observed that I began to look forward to drawing. I liked expressing myself aesthetically.

Quite interestingly, Susan's case is apt in examining my own drawings. As mentioned, Milner diagnosed Susan's pathology in terms of an "extreme and excessive concentration on logic and outer things at the expense of both reverie and fantasy" (Milner, 1969, p. 41). While Susan had cut herself off from her inner creative source of repair and growth, I too had bifurcated my "head" and my

Marion Milner on Mysticism and Creativity

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"heart." During the period of drawing and journaling, I made a decision to pursue ordination as a minister. This decision I ultimately viewed as a way to integrate head and heart, intellect and feeling.

Figure 2.1 Face

Of the 104 drawings made during the year-long period, 13 were of faces. Milner suggests that Susan's drawings of faces had to do with forms of ego awareness: "I thought she was struggling to convey experiences to do with very early forms of ego-consciousness, as shown by the face in each, but a consciousness occurring in her bowels, and to do with the discovery of the power to give or withhold through control of the anal sphincter" (1969, p. 127). The first of my faces (8/17), "How to connect?" was accompanied in my writing by "feeling that I need more connections - how to build them? Wanting someone else to do it for me. Difficulty moving out into the world .." for the second (9/18, Figure 2.1), called "Face," I wrote "looking to one side - can I not look directly? Relaxed though."

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Creativity, Spirituality, and Mental Health

For the third (9/21), "How can two people be together?" I wrote "interested in keeping my center, regardless of the outcome .. this is about my ability to reach out." Accompanying "Holding hands" (10/2, Figure 2.2), I wrote "thinking about how to make connections."

Figure 2.2 Holding Hands

Departing from the theme of lack of connectedness were faces of a girl with pigtails and a "punk student." Along with "Kelley in a mirror" (1/4), I wrote of having lunch with a friend who affirmed my interest in combining theory with practice. In particular he supported my ideas for ministry. I wrote, "It's so important to get encouragement, even though your path is ultimately your own." That evening I had a dream: "I get a list from R.C. (a minister) of when people are getting ordained. My ordination will be Palm Sunday 2004. I'm very happy." My final face, "college grad moving on" (4/19), was made the day before Easter.

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I wrote: "Three weeks prior to ... (university) graduation, but I think the picture has to do with me. Easter is tomorrow. Had a feeling this AM that perhaps I was moving on, finally beginning to see a path."

The face pictures suggest a movement from a preoccupation with disconnectedness to some acknowledgment of my own agency - looking at myself, putting myself out in the world, graduating. At the end of October, 2002,1 officially became a candidate for ministry. To offer some interpretation, a preoccupation with lack of connectedness in the first part of the year could be viewed primarily in terms of vocational disconnection. In contrast to many women, much of my ego identity to that point had derived from meaningful work versus relationships. The face pictures suggest that lack of meaning in work translated into a general feeling of disconnectedness and lack of centeredness. Once I became a ministerial candidate, I was less preoccupied with themes of disconnection and more with "how I appear," i.e., what my persona would be as a minister.

Did spontaneous drawing assist me in my discernment process? Because my problem, like Susan's had to do with an extreme and excessive concentration on logic at the expense of fantasy, yes, I believe it did. Drawing facilitated writing about my feelings. Uncovering my feelings assisted me in discerning a path that would help me deepen my understanding of emotions. Moreover, I became more aware of nature and animals as spiritual resources and more conscious of my repressed anger as a stumbling block to creative movement. Creativity in the context of self-discovery is pursued in more detail in subsequent chapters.